How To Poop Quietly: 6 Tips

We all poop, it’s a fact of life.

Your poop is your business, no one elses.

Unfortunately, if you are pooping in the only bathroom in a busy house or in a toilet stall in a communal bathroom then embarrassing noises can quickly make everyone well aware of what you’re up to.

Below are 6 tips that will help ensure that the next poop you do is as silent as possible:

1. Lay Down A Layer Of Toilet Paper

Take a few pieces of toilet paper and lay them on the toilet bowl water.

This will muffle the ‘splash’ as the poop hits the water making it quieter.

quiet pooping

Use more paper for more muffling.

2. Flush As You Go

Noise is the best cover for a poop.

Make enough noise and no one will hear what you’re up to.

An easy and completely unsuspicious way to do this is to simply flush the toilet as you poop.

The noise will cover up any flatulence or splashing noises.

Also Read: How To Fart Quietly

3. Cough Or Make A Noise

If you don’t want to flush (a double flush could make people think you’d blocked the toilet!), then there are plenty of other types of noises you could make:

how to poop quietly
  • A well-timed loud cough can do the job.
  • You could tap the toilet seat against the cistern or wall (ceramic toilet seats can be particularly noisy).
  • You could stamp your foot on the floor.

4. Aim

If your poop directly hits the water it will make a loud splash, which makes it clear to everyone what you’re up to!

However, if it hits the sidewall of the toilet bowl (not the actual toilet walls) it will make far less noise.

This will turn that embarrassing loud splash into a quiet splat.

The easiest way to do this is to slightly adjust your posture on the toilet.

a toilet

Instead of sitting fully over the toilet shuffle foward so that your poop won’t land directly in the centre of the toilet bowl.

One thing worth being aware of with this method is that of course you are far more likely to leave poop stains doing this so to avoid this lay some paper down around the toilet bowl before you go.

This will also help muffle the sound should you miss and accidentally land your poop directly in the water!

5. Control The Speed

We don’t mean to be grotesque (though it’s hard not to be when discussing poop) but if you force your poop out it will make signficantly more noise than if you control it and let it drop out slowly.

Instead of pushing it all out hold back and let it slowly drop out.

Controlling your pooping speed will also allow you more time to implement some of the other tips we have mentioned such as carefully aiming your poop or creating a noise cover.

6. Choose Your Lavatory Carefully

If you’re pooping in a cubical in a public bathroom at work then stall selection is a vital part of ensuring that your toilet time is not overheard.

Choose a toilet stall that is as far away from any occupied stalls as possible.

toilet stalls

If there are a lot of stalls to choose from and the bathroom is currently empty then choose one of the end stalls so that even if things get very busy you will only have at most one direct neighbor!

Maximizing the space between yourself and anyone else will help make poop noises harder to hear.

Combine good stall selection with some of the tips mentioned above and you will truly have become a master of stealth pooping.

We hope you found these tips useful – if you want to permanently prevent awkward bathroom noises from being audible throughout your home then we recommend you soundproof your bathroom.

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